GIVE ME BACK MY V-CARD ASSHOLE!

So I met this Harvard Hottie......Let's call him Hank!
Hank the Harvard Hottie happened to live in my building!

We met while working out in our gym. He cleverly made fun of my weight lifting skills while I pretended to enjoy working out.

I first realized he was a FI when he had a "birthday party" to go to every weekend, but could conveniently hang out every night after working out and before bed.

Hank knew I had my V-Card, but tried as many ways as possible to take it from me! To be honest I don’t which amazing line finally got me into bed. Here are just a few examples of his sweet (crazy) talking skills.

"You have to live life without waisting any moments. What if one of us was hit by a bus tomorrow? Wouldn't you feel horrible that you didn't take advantage our situation?"

" We can be exclusive babe!"

" Do you realize how lucky we are? How many people have someone they are attracted to living in their building?"

OKAY! I know! You can decide who was the fucking idiot for even listening!

Finally my Fucking Idiot light bulb went off one day at work! The hostess at my restaurant (the place Hank suggested I worked) let me in on some valuable info. The Jersey Shore wannabe let me know she and I had been sharing Hank the Harvard Hottie all along!

So what did I do? Did I cry? HELL NO! I got even!
After drinking 2 bottles of wine with Maggsta, we took a little trip to the 21st floor. You see Hank loved to leave ALL of his shoes out on a rack in his hallway. Let’s just say you can’t really get things back once they’ve gone down the buildings trash compactor! OOPS! HAPPY LABOR DAY!

And I am PROUD to say I've survived my first financial f*****! Here are some rules to live by so this never happens to you!

LADIES
1.DON'T date in your apartment building!!! Unless you are willing to be stuck in an elevator with your future HANK after he cheated on you! TRUE STORY!
2. DON'T Let your first date be in his apartment! Unless you want him to think he can keep you a secret, sleep with you right away and not wine and dine you. MAKE HIM WORK!!
3. If you are telling your best friend about your situation and wanting her to tell you to get out of it.....IT'S NOT HEALTHY!!!!

HANKS
1. REALLY? Having sex is a life/death situation? PLEASE DON'T ANSWER YES!
2. DON'T tell your girlfriend to get a job somewhere and then sleep with her coworkers! GIRLS TALK!
3. DON'T leave your shoes in your hallway! The girl you are dating/screwing over may or may not throw them and your precious shoe rack away!
4. GIVE ME BACK MY V-CARD ASSHOLE!!!!!

Idiot Pic of the Day!....

Need we say more.
Don't fall for this clever advertising, unless your looking for...well, crabs.

To BUMP-IT or NOT to BUMP IT..that is the question!

Come on.
NOT.
Guys, we know we're real tough on you, so this one goes out to the ladies.
What is that GOD AWFUL PLASTIC THING sticking out of your gorgeous HEAD!
REALLY?
We know you're brilliant, SOOO....
Take it off.
Throw it out.
Your bump-it is blocking my view, and is a DANGER to all pedestrians!
the only thing your Bump-It is good for...
is a WEAPON.

So ladies. Bump it the hell out of your head.
Love ya.

You want to buy me...WHAT?

Here's a fucking idiot line that is too good to pass up:

MY ROOMIE HAD SEX WITH THIS GUY AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF DRINKING. HE HAS BEEN BOOTY TEXTING HER EVER SINCE. HIS LAST TEXT TONIGHT HE SENT HER SAID
"HEY I'M AT THE BAR , WE SHOULD MEET UP! I WANT TO HOOK UP AND BUY YOU MCDONALDS!!!!

You want to BUY ME WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?
What's a good one night stand worth these days? A Shamrock shake and a cheeseburger?

FUCKING IDIOT.

Magsta's Thoughts on Fucking Idiots

The inspiration for our book, "Don't be a Fucking Idiot" came as all amazing ideas appear in my mind..somewhere between the hours of 1 and 4 am during a crazy rant of one shenanigan after the other...
Erin and I had just both just gotten off the phone, talking to guys, let's call them " Idiots".
I got off of the phone call(which was a TOTAL waste of night and weekend minutes) and I screamed to my roommate/partner in crime, Erndow( I call her 'E') "I wish I could scream to all guys; Don't be BORING & Don't be a fucking idiot!" E could NOT agree more..for it's all we bitched about, and felt my pain...and we got to talking. Then I shouted, "Let's write a book called, Don't be a FUCKING idiot!" The lightbulb was on, and E and I knew we were on to something good. We told all the women in our lives-who thought it was Genius of course, and we freaking scared our group of straight guy friends (Wonder if you're in the book? hmm..just wait and see boys!)

Now..don't get us wrong, we are not psycho feminists or "Man Haters, we're simply bright & brilliant women who refuse to stand back and watch one boring fucking idiot after the another insult our intelligence and break our hearts.

In "Don't be a fucking idiot" we hope to entertain & empower both men and women to take a stand and say "I DONT THINK SO, ASSHOLE"...or something to that nature.
Now, sit and relax with a glass of wine(or if you're like E& I...a bottle or three) and step into our f'ed up world.
Cheers!

XOXO
M

HAHA. THIS PHOTO IS GREAT!

Erndow's Favorite "Dick Up" Lines

There are many things a young woman learns when first moving to NYC... Such as how to use public transportation- do your own laundry and balance work and play. BUT no one has prepared us for this everyday battle of dealing with men.
Now I don't really think you would enjoy another book (OR BLOG) about how to deal with men- nor do we need another one. Instead we decided that THEY deserve a book. "Don't be a Fucking Idiot" is one of the many steps that men and any other Fucking Idiot needs to take to get on the right track.

I'm sure any man can attest to the fact that women normally look straight ahead and walk by while you're hooting and hollering. I'm also sure you wouldn't know what the hell to do if we turned around and said "Ok hottie let's fuck! Right now!"
Magsta (I call her 'MM') and I certainly have some pick up lines to stay clear of. (This is what we're really thinking when you say the things you say...)

You Say: "Damn..... I could sew a sweater out of all that pussy!"
(UGH. Sorry. I think I just threw up in my mouth.)


You Say: "Damn....that's why girls get raped!"

(Should I call the cops or just run?)

You say: "God bless you beautiful!"

(I am definately going to HEAVEN for all the times I was blessed this week!)

You say:
"Excuse me you dropped something (while pointing to the ground)....................my heart."

Keep in mind this is coming from the Subway eat fresh man while I was running to work and actually thought I dropped something. (FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!)

You Say: "Did you fart? Because you blew me away"

Do I really have to say anything about this one?

You Say: "I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access."

(Well, Here's Time Warner's number Jackass. DSL is so 2004)

You say: "If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!"

(Guess I NEED TO GO ON A DIET!)


Would you want anyone saying that to your daughter or friend who just moved to a big city?
If so.........YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!

XOXO
E